I wasn’t ready.

Remember when I told you I got a private Twitter account and I just tweet to myself now? I thought you might like to know that since 12/17 I am at 668 tweets. I have a lot on my mind lately which I’m sure isn’t a huge surprise. Let’s back up for a minute or 15.

I left public Twitter except for my blog. No one ever talks to me there; I don’t even know why I have it, honestly. There were multiple reasons for leaving, but ultimately it boiled down to I just knew. I’m an over-investor by nature and caring about everyone was exhausting me. Literally. I’ve left several times to regroup but I always came back because I saw purpose. This time was different so I tweeted out some kind of “hey I’m leaving and I don’t know if I’ll be back” just in case. I don’t see the next steps yet, and maybe I really won’t be back. As all the sweet goodbyes started coming in, it hit me hard and I was a quick puddle of tears. That’s probably not a surprise either. I have a lot of feelings, okay? I kind of AM a feeling, unintentionally though. I bonded with a lot of people really fast and I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to leave. That’s the truth. Needing to go doesn’t necessarily mean you want to.

Since everyone was being sweet to me, which I LOVE, I asked those people to leave me with something that would give me joy. Specifically, “tell me why you loved me or if/how I touched your heart.” That feeds my soul and I’m a firm believer that if you ask for what you need, people who care about you will show up for you somehow, and they did. Except for one lady who called me a narcissist and then blocked me 🙄. I’ll circle back.

My Twitter bestie and I still keep in touch. We happened upon each other in some random thread and we were insta-friends. Insta-friends are my absolute favorite. Anytime I meet an insta-friend, I know immediately that we were destined to cross paths. In my experience, the people you have an instant connection with are usually ‘your people’ so I cherish them when I find them. “Welcome to best friendship; here’s your sparkly outfit, we are ONE now!” Mine happened to be a 56-year-old man who I named “Rose.” I named everyone I liked and gave them imaginary lives in my head too. Don’t make it weird by telling people you do that. I know this now. A lot of times I named people their actual names so I got a lot of messages from freaked out people. One time I named a guy by first and middle name and he messaged me seconds later asking if I was his undercover wife. *LOL!!!* Rose was the only man that I gave a woman’s name. I don’t know why. I don’t really even know what Rose looks like but I don’t care. We just loved being menaces together from the moment we met. He named me “Gary” and ALWAYS made fun of me. I loved every minute of it.

Rose celebrated his 57th birthday 1/26 and I promised him I would come back that day and be his fun person. One time being his person meant me taking a bet to @ OJ Simpson and be super annoying. I was ‘all in’ as usual, and tagged Rose so we could laugh at ourselves all day which we did, and weren’t even sorry. We always thought our annoyingness was hysterical and we did NOT care if people disagreed. Rose and I come from completely different worlds, but we always did stupid things together and had so many belly laughs. That’s what I’ll miss about Twitter because funny is my jam, and talking to strangers is oddly addicting for me. I loved helping people and it gave me a purpose when I needed one. I met so many people that I would love to be friends with in real life. It’s crazy how random mine and Rose’s friendship is, but it’s so genuine too. Ride or die, ya old pickle! Rose!

I have anxiety as you know, and one day I had a full-on Twitter meltdown. My best Twitter girlfriend blocked me out of the blue, for absolutely no reason. Or reasons I knew nothing about. She eventually came back and we got past it, but it hurt me badly at the time. She did it again when I left, but whatever. I always make an effort until I know for sure. No one in my real life would have understood my heartache over that, hence the Twitter meltdown. Other than like 5 people, no one even knew I had Twitter, which is why it appealed to me. I couldn’t write, but I could definitely blurt out random thoughts to strangers on the internet. Since I couldn’t make sense of the ‘out of nowhere’ blocking, I had a loop going in my head of all possible scenarios. Translation = instant anxiety. *Leaving an overthinker who has a soft heart AND anxiety, to wonder, is the absolute worst thing you can do. I don’t intend to be dramatic right now, but I can only describe that as mental torture. If you know someone’s heart and do that intentionally, it’s just mean and I have a special bird I’d like to show you.* ⬅️ these feelings need a voice!

I didn’t know who to turn to since she was who I normally chose. I shouted into the Twitterverse and asked Rose if he could be my person. I knew he would be, I just didn’t know if he could be. Meltdowns are hard and I hate having them so bad that almost no one even knows I have them. I’m very careful about who I give my meltdowns to because that is me, at what I would consider, my most vulnerable. I know whoever I give it to is going to feel it and I also get really embarrassed when I can’t get a grip. Sometimes I just can’t though.

98% of the time I go to the men in my life *Sorry ’bout your luck, men in my life!* Men have a natural protective instinct and just feel safe. THAT gift is my favorite thing about men. I actually crave it. I turned my husband and dad into professional meltdown handlers, and it seems like now would be a good time to say, you’re welcome for the assist, you two! 😉I hope you wear your badges proudly because YOU EARNED those bad boys! Also, I love you and I’m sorry.

Geez….I cannot stay on task to save my life tonight! Get it together, Gary!

Within minutes Rose showed up for me by sending me his phone number and a “call me ASAP” attached. It was the middle of a workday, we’re mostly strangers but without hesitation, he showed up for me when I was my worst self. Imagine the first time ever talking to someone and they’re in total meltdown mode. Thankfully, he only got the words and not the visual. Ugh… I didn’t hesitate to call him though, not for one second. I knew I was safe and that was all I needed. Rose let me meltdown and then calmed me back to normal, AND never mentioned it again.

I appreciate people who embrace who I am and see my heart in spite of my flaws. I am so flawed, but I always care. Some of you might think that’s weird or risky, but we instinctively trusted each other. I’m telling ya, there’s something magical about insta-friends. Rose always had my back and I always had his too. I never doubted his loyalty because every time I needed him, he showed up. Every. Single. Time. And he did it happily and with ease. I should call him right now and yell “wake up old-timer!” and then hang up. Being a pill on purpose gives me so much joy.

When people show up for you, you show up for them too. I told Rose I’d come back for his birthday, so I did. As expected, I was getting a lot of “come back” messages and even though my gut knew not to, I let people talk me into staying. Another detail I should mention is I’m not very good at Twitter. I’m always commenting on the wrong things or responding to the wrong people. One time a friend commented on something and said “start a sing-along” and I thought it was a tweet so I sang tweeted with my soul, and then found out he was mid-conversation with some woman (I didn’t know) and I just barged in with my Journey lyrics like some kinda’ dramatic hand dancing maniac. My awkwardness is ALWAYS funny to me. *snort laughs* I made most of my friends awkwardly; I know, you’re not surprised about that either. I told you technology really “ain’t ma thang.”

That’s actually how I found out about the narcissist comment. I thought I was on my personal account when I was actually on my private one. If I hadn’t accidentally been on the wrong account I never would have seen that comment. Do you think that was random? Me neither. That was all it took to make me leave again. It wasn’t her comment, because I know I’m not a narcissist and I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. It was just a quick sign/reminder and the dishes were done, man. I don’t need unnecessary drama right now. *ever* I’m dramatic, but I hate drama. I just need to invest in people who invest back right now. Plain and simple. And aren’t joy stealers so annoying? Someone who calls you a narcissist instead of noticing that if you weren’t struggling you wouldn’t have asked for joy/love in the first place. DUH! Compassion 101, rude pants! I HAVE A SPECIAL BIRD TO SHOW YOU!

I’ve gotten really off-topic and I don’t even remember what my point was now. Oh yeah, I wasn’t ready. Reel it back in, Gary!

Today, at lunch I was listening to an audiobook called ” Burnout” and I felt a push to reach out to someone. No big deal except I didn’t want to. In fact, for several days I’ve been going back and forth about whether the push was even real. I only slept 3 hours last night and I think mostly because I was ignoring that call. It was a very simple thing to do, to reach out, but I didn’t want to. I’m a struggler magnet because *Empath* but I’ve reached out SO MANY times and I just didn’t want the rejection again. I finally heard myself being shouted at to show up, so I just trusted the process and did it.

At 1:31 pm I sent a message that simply said: “Can I brighten your day?” That was it. I had no plan on how I was going to brighten their day, I was just blindly trusting that I could. Who would say no to a day brightener, right? I sat here and pondered all the potential responses that I might get back, and I got no response at all. Actually, I got intentionally ignored. Yes, I gave those feelings a voice; do you know me at all? “Why would you push me to do something I didn’t want to do IF YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME THAT NOTHING WOULD COME OF IT? Why do I always have to be the one to show up? They never show up for me! THIS is not MY problem and I AM Tuh-RYING NOT TO CARE!” As always, I went looking for answers and there it was. Even though I had read this 15 times already, I didn’t see it until I saw it.

Up until that moment, I was focusing on what I could see. I was anticipating a response and got crickets instead. Although, silence is a pretty loud response. It never occurred to me, not once, that I didn’t see what was going on on the other end. I couldn’t possibly know what I couldn’t see. I’m sure I don’t know the whole story but I never judged and I stayed even when I didn’t want to. I was a safe place and a real friend, but they didn’t see it. They didn’t know what was going on on my end either, and I didn’t feel like I could tell them. Ultimately, they didn’t fully trust me, I guess.

I missed the whole point of the call until I did it. I was supposed to show up simply because I was being called to show up; whether I wanted to or not was irrelevant. I did what I was supposed to do: show up, love people and shine light into as much darkness as possible. That’s the only thing I have to offer right now “coincidentally.” The non-response isn’t my issue and even though I could sit here and give myself anxiety over all the possible reasons for it, I feel peace because I know I did my ‘job’ simply by answering the calls. I don’t know why I was as fiercely devoted as I was I just knew I was supposed to be. I’ll never know the reason I was pushed to reach again but much like my blogs, I never really know the impact unless someone tells me directly. I do what I’m told (reluctantly, sometimes) and then I blindly trust that it lands where it needs to.

Signs are everywhere if you’re watching for them. Maybe this blog is for you. You’re welcome for the assist too, YOU! *LOL* In my best Bill Engvall voice “here’s your sign.” Okay, I’m losing my mind now so I’ll leave you with my take-away from this. Sometimes we get stuck answering a call we want to ignore or if you’re like me, you get 800 calls just to be sure you gave everything you could. I know I did, and even though it feels like it never mattered or made a difference, I can’t really know without seeing the other side. It sucks so bad and it hurts sometimes. We just have to suck it up and remember how much we enjoy sleep and if nothing else, at least we tried and we know we did the right thing. Maybe showing up is as simple as “can I brighten your day?” when you really want to show them your special bird. It’s not always glamorous or rewarding, but that’s not the point. It doesn’t always matter how we show up, sometimes just giving someone a safety net is all they need. An “I’m here” goes a long way. We need to show up for people because it matters, even if we can’t see why. Everyone needs a Rose in their life. I just now realized how cool it is that I named Rose, Rose. I didn’t see that either, but what a perfect name now, huh? All the love, homies!🌹

~ Gary