You’re welcome for the assist!

I have a Facebook friend whose tagline is “I look good in most hats.” I love her, and I share the sentiment even though my tagline is “I’m fun.” I am fun and I also look good in most hats. I wear hats often. Sometimes because I’m too lazy to fix my hair. Sometimes because it’s humid outside and trying to fix my hair when it’s humid outside is sort of like trying to nail jello to a wall; not happening! Maybe I ran out of dry shampoo. *epic fail* Maybe it’s just sunny out and I want to protect my face. I wear a lot of hats is my point. I wear a lot of proverbial hats too. One of which is “Soccer Mom.” You just got an instant visual, didn’t you? I can feel your judgment already, judgy pants!

I am the epitome of that term, even though none of my kids play actual soccer. I don’t know if I’ve told you before but we’re (my whole family) in the coffee biz. A couple months ago we had our annual franchise meeting and the head of the marketing dept stood up and explained our “target customer”. Guess who our target customer is? Spoiler alert – it’s ME! “38-year-old soccer moms” were, I believe, his exact words. I remember that because I thought it was funny that I am exactly the customer we want at our business. I have never felt more targeted and wanted in all my life. A room full of executives and they all wanted ME. Take all my money! (and then kindly send me some royalties, please) I felt like I won at life at that moment. Somebody should get me an award even though technically, I’m 39. Potato/Pa-tah-toe. *OMG, sit down! No one knows you just won at life. Why are you so awkward?!*
I pick up my fancy coffee in a minivan that I love, even though I don’t have XM radio and can’t get 80’s on 8. *Is it bad that I want a new car for the sole purpose of XM radio, or more realistically, just the 80’s on 8?* I drive a minivan because it’s practical and I don’t give a rats if people think I’m cool. I have pulled up at many stoplights with my music blaring, doing all the dancing I can manage while being buckled up *safety first* AND I DON’T EVEN CARE if people stare! In fact, sometimes I make friends with surrounding cars because as I said “I’m Fun” and other fun people enjoy my overly-enthusiastic carpool karaoke – dance party.

The obvious part of being a minivan drivin’, coffee lovin’ soccer mom, is that I have kids and they play sports. Duh. This is one of my favorite hats to wear, and I wear i with festive outfits and sparkly shoes because I’m basically on the team too and it’s important that we all match. You shouldn’t be shocked that The Coach’s Wife. also LOVES sports! *I love DATES too, Coach! Write that on your clipboard why don’t ya’! #4 needs to be the leadoff batter! You’re welcome for the assist*

Hubs and I were both athletes growing up so it’s logical that we hoped our kids would be too. Two outta’ three ain’t bad. *I don’t say “ain’t” in real life* You can’t tell by looking at me now, but I was a catcher and 3rd baseman. Those are not wimpy positions to play if you’re unfamiliar with the sport. I was fierce and strong and I DID NOT COME TO PLAY, even though I literally did come to play. That’s just a metaphor for “don’t mess with me” if you’re an older reader. *No offense and you’re welcome for the assist* I was that girl, and I used to be strong. I’m still fierce, but this body Gotsta’ Go, homies! That was a joke, Jesus. Please do not actually make my body go anywhere for at least 55 more years. I am gonna’ need to upgrade some of the parts though. Or, you could just fix it all like I’ve asked you 100 times! I’m sorry for yelling. I’ll pray for forgiveness as soon as I’m done with this blog. Hang tight.
I’m super competitive as far as sports are concerned. If you’ve read any of my other blogs, or know me in real life, then you would know my super competitive/dramatic tendency/alotathought having self, is a force to be reckoned with at any game I’m attending. LOUD AND PROUD! I love any sport my kids are playing and I’m a die-hard college baseball fan. It should not shock you that OSU won the College World Series this year because I basically willed it to happen. *you’re welcome for the assist too, OSU* It just occurred to me that I didn’t see a single Man Bun. in the CWS, but I digress….
I’m the loud and proud wife/mom who goes to ALL the games and helps coach from the sidelines. That’s not my dramatic tendencies talking, that is a reality. I WILL help. Whether you asked for the help is really not something I care to waste time discussing. Take it up with the coach, or better yet, call his wife. I’m helping. I am helpful. *you’re welcome for the assist*
I actually had a ref stop and explain his horrible call at basketball the other day after he claimed my son pushed a kid out of bounds. He didn’t push the kid, he was playing aggressive defense like his mom was yelling for him to do! *When a ref stops to explain to you why he made a bad call, you know you’ve done your job as a mom/coach. I appreciate the information, thanks for explaining…still a bad call!* I’m not the mom who will ever get kicked out of a game or act like a fool. I don’t cuss at people or get in fights with umpires, or parents on opposing teams. I do most of that under my breath because I ain’t dum I’m a sophisticated grown-up who is being heavily targeted by the coffee biz. I have a full plate, okay?! I cannot be everyone’s person! I’m not aggressive toward anyone, but I will let you know when you’ve made a bad call, especially if my kid’s involved. I often get teased about how much instruction/cheering I give my kids, but I cannot be shamed. It is my mom duty and I fulfill that calling as if I was a broke stripper whose rent was due on Christmas day. #HappyBirthdayJesus!!! ^^^^sorry again^^^^
My kids have played a variety of things over the years but our three consistent sports are football, basketball, and baseball. I’m not a football girl. *calm down, man* I love to watch my boys play but for the life of me, I cannot keep my eye on the ball. Partly because I seriously need glasses and just can’t get myself to own that truth, and partly because those tricky little handoffs actually trick me, for real. I know the object of the game and that one of my boys plays offense and the other plays defense. Don’t ask me what positions they play or what their position does, because I’m trying to keep my eye on the ball, and your distraction isn’t helping! You need to learn to be more helpful, like me. I WILL teach you because I am helpful.
Basketball is my second favorite sport but I generally only love to watch it if my kids are playing. Basketball is fast paced and I do get a thrill when we hit a 3 pointer. I say “we” because I’m on the team too the one yelling “take the shot” before they commit to taking it. I have a distinctive voice and I’m not afraid to use it if it benefits the team, and I firmly believe it does. I WILL help. I’m helping. LOUD AND PROUD! Somebody asked one of my kids after our most recent game “did you hear your mom” to which they replied “which time?!” #WinningAtLife  🥇
Baseball is my Jam! I could write about baseball until the end of time, and I might when the season starts back up. *brace yourselves* I think the only appropriate way to describe my love for baseball is with some kind of sappy 80’s love song that I co-wrote, and sang, with my boyfriend, Lionel Richie. Lionel, I’m not sure if you’re aware that I’m on your team, but I have been for like, ever. *recognize* Nobody knows how to write a love song better than you, and nobody can belt it out at a stoplight better than me. I’m thinking collaboration. How about I bring my distinctive voice to your house, with my sparkly shoes and color-coordinated outfits, and you and I will sit down together and write about our love affair with baseball. You can be the lead singer, and I’ll be your backup vocalist, dancer, and choreographer in our 80’s baseball, love song duet. I’m fun and really helpful and I WILL help you whether you ask for it or not. *you’re welcome for the assist* PS: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Love, your soulmate/soccer mom.
T.