Timing.

Today was day three at the Mayo Clinic for me. Technically it’s day two, but we’ll talk about that in a minute. I realize that I’ve never explained how I got here (Mayo) in the first place, so I’ll take a sentence or two to give you the basics. I have chronic pain in my body from “trauma.” I used quotations around trauma because that is something I’ll have to explain in greater detail, but not right now. I am here because there is no “cure” for the kind of “trauma” I have. I will talk about that later too. I’m in a chronic pain program because a). I got accepted to be in it, and b). I have opted out of any further surgical options and procedures at this point. The goal of a chronic pain program is basically to learn how to live my life and use my body again. That sounds easy enough, right?

A little background: I got to the city on Saturday which was a day later than what was planned; we had a snowstorm at home which delayed my arrival by a day. My husband and kids drove out here with me in two cars, helped me lug a month’s worth of stuff into my hotel, grocery shop, settle a little bit, and in less than 12 hours they left and headed back home. *I got a new car a few weeks ago so no more minivan life* Sunday was spent getting Covid testing and unpacking. Monday was spent simply. I had to wait the 24 hours for my Covid test to come back normal and then Tuesday was my first official day at Mayo. That entire day was consult after consult with various doctors, therapists, counselors, etc. It was a really long day; not bad or hard, just really long. For perspective – my normal routine was anything but normal. I had very minimal activity and the majority of my social interaction was virtual or over the phone; don’t even get me started on my sleep and meal schedule. Going from that to a standard day, being with people, answering questions and being evaluated constantly was exhausting by comparison.

Yesterday was day two, which was technically day one of actual program stuff. When I got there, I was supposed to have another full day of evaluations and tests, but I met with the panel of doctors first thing in the morning and they decided I was ready to be thrown into the mix. I’m not gonna lie’ it was a little intimidating to walk into a boardroom of brilliant people in suits and doctor coats, and have to sit at the head of the table in my yoga pants and sequin mask answering questions from the panel of experts. *Seriously though, I get complimented on those masks ALL day. Thank you, sister!* I didn’t know that was going to happen but I am confident that I gave off zero nervous vibes. I thrive in situations of spontaneous pressure because I don’t have time to overthink. The topic was pain so in that moment, I was the real expert in the room because experience is the ultimate teacher, amirite?! We talked for 30 minutes or so and then I was sent back to my paperwork while they talked about me. I don’t remember much about it, but one of the doctors came in and got me during a test and said “come with me” and suddenly I was tossed in with 7 other people all at various stages of the program.

Normally, a class would be anywhere from 25-32 people, but because of Covid there are only 8. There is nothing about the timing of this that is lost on me. *”Trust the timing” is a very underrated statement* Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with the details of day two, but I will tell you that I did not have it in me to dazzle anyone with “all this charm and charisma.” I said words when I had to and I was so mentally and physically exhausted from the day that I skipped my nightly bath, which never happens, and I fell asleep around 8:30pm which is probably the earliest I’ve fallen asleep in years. I don’t even know how to explain it because none of the stuff we do is “hard” it’s just exhausting. Having to engage your brains, your body, all your senses, being with people constantly and fumbling your way through a big hospital – it’s like sensory overload, I guess.

It’s also really cold here. It snowed on Tuesday and was kind of a gross day as far as clouds and temperature. Yesterday it was still really cold, but there was sunshine at least. At some point a doctor came in and told me that I had to go give a urine sample because everyone has to complete a standard drug test here. It was right before lunch and since the part of the hospital I had to go was right across the street from my hotel AND IT WAS SUNNY, my smart self opted to walk. To be fair, I did go all the way up to my car in the parking garage before I looked out at the sunshine and distance and decided walking was a better idea. It wasn’t. *LOL* I did it, but it didn’t occur to me for some reason that I would also have to walk back and that my afternoon would be full of strength testing things. Epic fail, but live and learn. The sunshine felt good and walking reminded me how much I enjoy walking. I’m looking forward to getting that part of my life back. I’m looking forward to a lot of things, actually. Yesterday was hard, today was hard too, but I already feel like I’m making progress.

I made a fast friend in my group today. Her name is Sue. Sue is 82 years old and she graduated the program today and got to go home. She kind of took me under her wing today and I appreciated it. I held doors open for her to push through with her walker and in exchange she would point me to where we needed to be all day. Sue kept telling me all day how she “just felt this overwhelming sense of peace around her today.” I didn’t want to interrupt her stories to tell her that I felt it too, but I do feel it. Maybe it was just a vibe between us, I don’t know, but I do know that there’s something very comforting about being here. It’s like you just know you’re at the right place, with the right people, at the exact time you’re supposed to be here. It’s clear and clear feels good. Before Sue graduated this afternoon she mentioned that she felt much better than she did when she started and she reminded me that I should never give up. I promised her that I wouldn’t, and I promised myself that too.

Slowly but surely, I will find my way back. We can always find our way back if we don’t give up. We’ll get there.

All the love, T.