W.T.F.

I’m no psychic, but if I had to guess, I’d be willing to put money on it that you’ve already judged this blog based on the title alone. Drop your judgemental pants right now – I MEAN IT! Honestly though, if W.T.F. in any capacity doesn’t seem a little fitting for the times we’re living in, then I don’t don’t even know, man. LAWD HAVE MERCY! but, like, for real though. Also, does anyone know whatever happened to the murder hornets? Did they move to Canada? Maybe they’re out on my front porch and I just can’t see them because of the masks and such. This struggle bus ride is getting to be a bit much for me. CAN SOMEONE GET ME A SNACK and an update on the hornets, please?

I’m aware that I haven’t been around much. Typical Traci behavior would be to address you with an apology and an explanation about where I’ve been and why it isn’t here with you, but my not being here isn’t an offense to anyone. I had a really challenging year and I had to wait things out and survive like everyone else, ya know? Life is hard sometimes. I don’t feel like talking about all that today. I wanna’ focus on today, today.

Today, was my first day at the Mayo Clinic. If you’re unfamiliar, the Mayo Clinic is famous for being one of the top hospitals in the United States. I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet because I haven’t been around much, but I GOT IN! After 20+ years of pain, endless surgeries, setbacks, tears, brokenness, prayers, and waiting, waiting and more waiting – I. Got. In. Yes, my eyes just welled up with tears because not ALL of typical Traci has left the building. This soft heart and I are in a committed relationship. *dramatically sighs. blows nose. honks. LOLs at self for being so sexy*

Listen, I have waited for what seemed like an eternity for this day to come, and it finally came, today. I will honk- cry all I want and since you aren’t wearing pants, no judgement for you! I’m not gonna’ lie, as I sit here in my room overlooking the pretty city lights and the world renowned hospital freshly covered with snow, I feel proud of me. Really proud. Not because I’m some magical human who deserves anything that everyone else doesn’t, but because I prayed for this day; I trusted this day to come and here I am literally ‘sitting in it.’ I know you can’t see me enjoying this moment right now, but let me give you a visual of my current situation:

I am exhausted from my first day at Mayo. I took my standard nightly bath at around 4:45pm, which was AFTER I texted my family an update because I couldn’t muster enough will to actually have to talk to anyone. I then put on my new $7.00, soft, light pink pajamas with sparkly gold hearts all over them that I splurged on at Wal-Mart last week. I have a very cozy elephant quilt covering my lap *if you don’t know why then you need to make a little more effort, tribe of readers* I am drinking ice water out of a wine glass because apparently the Mayo Clinic isn’t a big fan of fun *winks* but I still wanted to feel sophisticated when I snot honk my tears into my sparkly black mask. I was complimented on that mask at least 5 times today so I feel like a favorite around here already and I haven’t even wooed anyone with all this charm and charisma yet. *Don’t think I won’t!* My belly is full of cheese hot dogs and Doritos and I smell like some variety of Epsom salt and ailments. I am livin’ my best life right now, you guys!

As P!NK would sing “I am Here!”

There were a lot of days I wanted to quit this healing madness and some days I literally said “I’m done” but something kept nudging me to keep going. Do you wanna’ know what it was? Faith. Faith brought me “here” finally. I asked God for what I needed, which was basically a healing of my entire self. My heart, my mind, my body and everything in between. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I laid it all on the line one day on that looooong ride home from the lake. I have always believed in God, but I never really TRUSTED, trusted. Like, “here is my entire self, knock yourself out!” kinda’ trust. Like, “I will do whatever you ask of me and give up anything you ask me to” and well, you probably remember how that all went down because you read Invisible Pain, amirite, loyalest readers? I knew God would show up for me, but I had no idea how painful the process would be. None. These last few years have absolutely been THE HARDEST years of my entire life. However, it’s been the most fulfilling of all my pain which I just realized today.

I’ve discovered that the reason God didn’t give me all the pieces to the puzzle in advance, is because I would have said “No way, man. I am NOT willing to do all that. I cannot. I am not strong enough to handle all that and there’s just no way I can sit still that long. Do you know me at all? I will never survive it. For the love of all things holy, just send me a murder hornet and put me out of my misery. Please!”

Thankfully, I didn’t know I would give up my life in almost every sense. I didn’t know I would have several more brutal surgeries and procedures and barely function physically or even get out of bed. I didn’t know how long I would have to sit still and wait patiently, impatiently. The loneliness alone was enough to take a hard pass. I saw some friends last week for the first time since April. I don’t mean to brag but I was living the Covid life way before it was trending. I’ve basically been in my home 24/7 except for doctors appointments or something I would have to medicate myself enough to get through. I didn’t know that He was going to literally force me to sit still; that He’d force me to spend time on my relationship with Him, or anyone else for that matter. I wasn’t prepared for my purpose, a priority shift, or my healing. I mean, I asked God to heal me, but I didn’t mean ME. I’m fine! Everything’s fine! *narrator: but she was in fact NOT FINE AT ALL. She didn’t even see it coming, poor thing!* I am not someone who gives up on anything without a fight, and that includes me, but at the end of the day, I wanted to heal more than I wanted anything else and I am not a quitter. I honored the agreement I made and focused on Him, and on me.

I am not typical and I am not sorry.

Ironically, healing my brokenness hurt so much worse than the actual breaking. Breaking wasn’t my choice so I didn’t feel guilty for it. For some reason, healing felt like a gift I had to earn. It wasn’t. *another blog* I lost so much and I hurt so bad, but I found Him in the midst of it all, and because I found Him, I found me again too. HERE I AM sitting in this day with a grateful heart and a renewed sense of hope. I will never be free from pain because that’s just part of it, but I am here to learn how to live my best life in spite of it all. If I had known how hard it would be, I would have said “no” because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it all. What I learned is that I didn’t need to be strong enough because He was. He had to break me down in order to rebuild a stronger me; the ME I was always meant to be. All I had to do was let him. It feels good to be “here” today.

Needless to say, I will sit here in my sparkly Wal-Mart pajamas with tears streaming down my face because this is the most blessed I have felt in a really long time and I am proud of me. I Waited. I Trusted. I had Faith. And here I am.

I am healing. Mind, Soul, Body and everything in-between. I will always be a healing, work in progress, but I’ll take it. It feels good to be me today, which isn’t something I typically say.

All the love, T. ❤️