Dear Grandma.

Dear Grandma,

I wish I was sitting down to write something beautiful to honor your life, but the reality is when I got the call last week that you had passed, I didn’t feel anything other than a deep sadness for my mom. I didn’t feel grief or loss and I felt awful about that, guilty even. Not feeling anything when someone you should love dies, is really strange. I literally feel everything and love most people so it was odd and unnatural not to feel like ‘me.’ I was ashamed of myself for being unaffected by something that should have made me sad. I felt heartless in some weird way. I am a lot of things, but heartless isn’t a word I would use to describe myself. If anything, I care too much.

I’ve spent a lot of time with my thoughts as I often do when something is weighing on me. I have to make sense of things before I can set them down. I just do. That part of me gets on my nerves occasionally, but it has also served me well. I’ve resolved as much as I can with what little information I have, so the only thing left to do now is to give these feelings a voice! *LOL* Speaking of my voice, my dad has mentioned several times over the years that I got my voice from you. I’m pretty sure all my words come from his side of the family, but my raspy tone and actual voice are all you, girl. Thanks a lot! 🙄*winks*

I believe with every fiber of my being that there is always purpose in pain. I KNOW there is and this is the only way I know how to show ‘you.’ Even though I barely knew you, your death taught me a lot of things and gave me a new perspective which I always appreciate. It’s weird and cool to get perspective from someone without having to talk to, or even know them to get it. Hopefully, someone else who had this kind of experience will be able to see things differently too. I want to warn you though, some of this might hurt a little since you don’t know my heart.

The biggest hurdle for me to process was that you chose not to have a relationship with my family, my mom especially. Why that bothered me all of a sudden when that was the norm, is something I didn’t anticipate. I couldn’t, and still can’t wrap my mind around a mother/grandmother or anyone for that matter, not wanting to have a relationship with their kids or grandkids. That will never make sense to me no matter how hard I try. Even more troubling, is that you seemed to love the rest of the family. I don’t mean to be disrespectful but it is not lost on me that the family that you did stay connected to, carried on the toxic dynamics that you handed down. *I’m sorry if that hurt to read, mom ❤️* When I think about not having a relationship with any of my kids or my mom, tears well up in my eyes. I don’t get it. I’ll never get it.

I’m able to look beyond people’s flaws and see their hearts because that’s how I manage painful things. Once I find good or purpose in something painful, I can untie myself from it. That’s just my heart which you can thank my mom for. I can find the good in just about anything if I try hard enough, but I couldn’t find the good in you, not initially anyway. That seems like such a harsh thing to say but that doesn’t make it any less true. Ugly feelings are usually the loudest and in most need of a voice. I never mind being that voice, although, hurting you back or causing shame of any kind isn’t my goal. Please don’t get your granny panties in a wad.

I tried really hard but I could not find any scenario in which your actions were justified. I couldn’t recall ever feeling a bond or connection with you either. That sucks but it’s not my fault or my burden to carry, so I’m just not going to carry it. Not being able to see the good in you was making me feel like a terrible person. I got over that by remembering that I’m not a terrible person and knowing deep down there was good in you. I went looking for something good and found it; imagine that! 😊 *OMG, I am my mother.*

I’ve been trying to make sense of how anyone could not love and adore my mom, and I just can’t get there. I’ve been wondering what it must have felt like to be her. What it must have felt like to not have a relationship with someone who is supposed to love you no matter what. What it felt like to not have her mom at her wedding, or that you didn’t like her husband, or love her kids the way a grandma should. I wondered what it must have been like not to hear “I’m so proud of you” and “I love you” or “you’re beautiful and amazing.” The kinds of things moms generally say to their kids.

That had to be really hard on her, and I guess I never really thought deeply about that until now. I’m feeling her pain, I think, and I see her differently because of it. I appreciate her more because I see how much she had to overcome to become the person she is now. It wasn’t any easier for her to overcome her pain than it would have been for you to overcome yours. She did what you couldn’t and I’m proud of her for that. I’ve thought about how much different life would be if my mom had chosen the same path you did. It broke my heart just thinking about it and I’ve shed a lot of tears over those thoughts. I will never understand your choices, but I don’t need to understand your choices to be able to see the impact they had. I see those choices as a blessing now which I didn’t anticipate either.

I don’t know what your life was like, really. I know bits and pieces but I have very few memories of you that are my own. However, I’ve been through enough painful things in my own life to recognize pain in others pretty easily. I think at the core of who you were, was a broken girl with a whole lotta’ heaviness in her heart. “Hurting people hurt people.” https://alotathoughts.com/2019/03/11/4-simple-words-1-large-impact/

I cannot fathom how badly someone has to be hurting in order to give up a relationship with their kid, but I imagine it’s SO deep. The kind of pain that hurts so bad that you can’t even bring yourself to acknowledge its existence, let alone do anything about it and certainly not overcome it. That makes me sad for you, grandma; deeply sad. Instead of working through your pain you gave it to the people you were supposed to love most. Epic Fail. It’s crazy how many people do that without even realizing they’re doing it. Ugh….that’s making me cry right now. It hurts to know that you carried that around all these years, and it hurts even more that you hurt others because of it.

I’ll never really know why you chose a life without us in it but stubbornness, pain, and an unwillingness to let things go is my guess. My instinct is to assume that no one taught you how to let anything go, and someone or something hurt you so deeply that you just didn’t know how to recover from it. That part I can make sense of. I choose to believe that pain held you captive because the alternative would be that you were incapable of love and knowing my mom, I just can’t make that fit. I believe your inability to own and work through your pain ultimately led you to have what I would imagine was a pretty lonely life. That makes me sad for you too. I don’t understand why anyone would choose that if they didn’t have to, but a lot of people do.

There’s nothing I can do or say to change anything, but I think you might rest easier knowing that your pain had a purpose, and my mom’s did too. I want that for both of you.

What I realized once I dug deep is that there actually WAS good that came from you. It was my mom. Duh. That seems obvious now but I didn’t see it at first since the relationship you had with her and my dad was so painful and toxic. What I see now, is that my mom used that pain and turned it into an inner drive. She broke the toxic cycle that you created, and I bet that made you mad. I imagine you were jealous that she found happiness that you never could, and that intensified the pain you already had. She became the exact opposite of you, because of you. That was a gift to all of us. Our family is not toxic which is an inadvertent good that came from the bad.

My mom is the softest, kindest, and most loyal person I have ever known, and she became that woman in spite of her (I assume) deep feelings of insecurity and unworthiness which was handed to her undeservingly. She became that woman because she chose to. She became that woman because she’s had a strong man standing by her side reminding her of her worthiness and value every. single. day. for over 45 years now. I don’t know why you didn’t like my dad, but I assume it’s because he was a bit of a jackass when you met him. I don’t feel bad saying that because that gene runs deep and I know that because my big sister has it too. 😝 *I’m 41-years-old, dad. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!* (seriously though, let it go, man)

I forgot what I was talking about now….Oh yeah.

He was 19-years-old, grandma! Good grief! I don’t know if you’re aware but you weren’t exactly mother-in-law of the year, little lady! *snorts* It doesn’t matter why you didn’t like him, but I’m confident that whatever part of him you met all those years ago is probably not the man he truly was, and definitely isn’t the man he has become.

He has loved your daughter and granddaughters well, and there’s no doubt that he always will. He cherishes us and her, and anytime those insecurities and feelings of unworthiness arise, HE is the one who reminds her how amazing and loved she is. I wish you had gotten to see that for yourself because he really is such a good man. I’m not just saying that because he’s my dad, I’m saying it because it’s true. She made the right choice, grandma. I have a feeling you knew that a long time ago and just couldn’t bring yourself to admit you were wrong. I don’t know what the circumstances were, but you didn’t win and neither did we.

I wish a lot of things had been different for my mom’s sake, but we’ve all accepted it and none of us carry any hate in our hearts toward you. I realize I sound a little annoyed, but I’m not really. I’m just tired and my heart is heavy right now. You gave us our mom, wife, grandma, and great-grandma and she loves people better than anyone we know. Why hurt and carry pain over something that turned out so good? She is so good! Whether you intended to or not, you played a big part in her becoming who she is now, and who she is is worthy of all the love. Anyone who knows her would agree.

I don’t know how she managed to become all of those things without your love and support, BUT SHE DID and that took a kind of strength I never realized she had. I see it now and I hope you see it too. I hope when you look down on her now it’s different than the way you looked down on her before. I hope you see her for who she truly is because she is all the things anyone could hope their daughter would grow up to be. I hope you’re proud of the woman she has become; the mom and wife she is, the grandma that every kid dreams of. You did a lot of things wrong, but in all fairness, you probably did a lot of things right too.

Regardless, we all survived and we’re probably better people because of it. Painful things often give you the most perspective. We can learn a lot from your impact, but we can learn a lot more from hers. Trust me when I say that we will learn from hers. It would have been nice if she had felt worthiness and love from YOU, but she found worthiness and love in herself, which is probably the best gift you could have ever given her. I’m glad you let her go because she deserves the life she has created and a whole lot more.

Thank you for giving us the best part of you (IMO). All is well here and no hard feelings. I hope you’re able to find peace and comfort in that.

Rest easy, grandma. ~ 💜 T.

PS: I do remember your beautiful skin and that you always smelled like vitamin e cream. I LOVED that smell and wish I knew what brand it was so I could order some now. I can almost smell it just thinking about it. I also remember that you had weird cups and never ran out of powdered donuts. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was looking at pictures of you the other day too and praying internally that I end up with your ‘pretty old lady’ genes. You really were so pretty, grandma. I don’t know how old you were in this picture, but this is how I’ll always remember you.

Dear readers, if you felt any of this because someone who should have loved you didn’t for whatever reason, that isn’t a life sentence. You can break the cycle. You are worthy and lovable even if whoever you wanted to hear it from didn’t tell you themselves. At the end of the day, you are the one who determines your worth. Love yourself and remind yourself that you’re not a terrible person for having ugly feelings. Maybe YOU are the good thing that came from something painful! You are loved and you matter. XOXO ❤️