If it’s heavy, set it down.

I don’t remember where I saw it, but a while ago I stumbled across an article about a college professor who was teaching his class a valuable lesson, simply by holding up a glass of water. He asked the class “how much do you think this glass of water weighs?” and they randomly shouted out their guesses. “I don’t really know how much it weighs,” he said. “My question is: what would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?” “Nothing” the students answered. P: “What if I held it up like this for an hour?” S: “Your arm would start to ache and get tired” P: “What if I held it up like this for an entire day?” S: “Your arm would probably go numb. Muscle stress would happen, possibly even paralysis.” P: “Exactly. Did the weight of the glass of water ever change though?” S: “No.” P: “Then why is it causing me so much pain and stress?” S: “Because you’ve been holding it for so long.”

I love this story and the lesson. *Narrator: the lesson is pretty clear already so she could probably just leave it right here. You KNOW she’s probably stil-* I actually wrote something on my personal Facebook page that had a similar message shortly after my dog died last year. We all have pain in our lives; that’s just life. I don’t know about you, but I know there have been instances in my life where I’ve carried around some pains that were hurting me for too long. Sometimes carrying them was the only reason they were hurting me. The longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes. Pain, no matter what variety, is easy to focus your attention on because you feel it and it almost always hurts. Have you ever cut yourself on something without noticing it, and then as soon as you’re aware of it, it suddenly bothers you? Ever had your heartbroken, a traumatic experience, loss of a loved one or some kind of pain where if you relive it mentally, even years later, it hurts you all over again? Have you ever created pain just by anticipating it?

I had a brutal procedure on my spine recently. You know when you go to the hospital and they ask you to look at that little chart of faces and rate your pain on a scale of 1-10? This was level 10, and I’m not even being my super dramatic self. I scream-cried through the entire procedure and so did the grown man who had it done after me. I knew it was going to be a level 10 prior to having it because I had a similar procedure, on a smaller scale, several months ago. About a week before I was scheduled to go in, I started thinking about the pain I knew was coming. So much so, that I had to abruptly leave a dinner party the night before because anxiety got the best of me, and I didn’t want to meltdown in front of everyone in the restaurant. I actually didn’t even grab my husband before I left. Poor guy. I just gave him ‘the look’ and kinda’ wished him good luck on getting home, and trying to explain to everyone that I didn’t have explosive diarrhea. *Marital bliss, I tell ya!* I felt the pain of that procedure long before I even had it. Even though I wasn’t going to be thirsty until Friday, I grabbed my glass of water on Monday and just held it all week.

I’m a logical adult, except for my occasional “explosive diarrhea.” If you asked me to choose between having pain for a day or having pain for a week, obviously I would choose a day. Who in their right mind would choose added days of pain and suffering? No one. And yet, we’re all guilty to some degree of adding extra days, amirite? Can I get an AMEN?! We don’t always get to choose our pain, but maybe we can choose not to hold it any longer than we need to.

A lot of people I love are going through very painful things right now. Very painful things. Unexpected deaths, heartbreak, divorce, health issues – heavy stuff. This seems to be a sluggish phase, and I see so many people walking around with their metaphorical glasses of water. As I mentioned in my last blog, I don’t have much to offer at this stage of life other than my words and my heart. Luckily for you, I have an abundance of both! *For the record, a singer would have been my first choice, but For The Love of God! (literally) I guess I’ll just care about everything and talk too much instead!* For those of you going through really painful things, this is my best attempt at loving you through, even if I don’t know you or am unaware of your struggle. As I’ve learned through my own pain, sometimes even the tiniest glimpse of light can brighten the darkest of days. I can’t take the glass out of your hand, but maybe I can be the light in some small way. That is always my hope. And I mean ALWAYS with every dramatic fiber of my being.

First of all, I know it’s hard, I really do. I want you to know that whatever you’re feeling it’s valid. Feelings are always valid even if they’re wrong. Feelings lie. ESPECIALLY when you’re sad. Secondly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know that it’s hard to see the light when you’re surrounded by darkness, but just know that light will come again eventually. It just will. Find joy however you can, and find a big man to hug and have a good cry. That’s my personal fave *and Trey Kennedy videos* If you ARE a big man, hugging another big man and having a good cry will for sure give you joy. Just the visual alone is making me smile. Sometimes joy is easier to find than you think and no one thinks you’re gay because you hugged a man and cried. *Snorts* Seriously though, knock it off with that nonsense. Man hugs are the best and vulnerability is not weak. I wish I had a megaphone so I could yell that at everyone who needs to hear it. It blows my mind how many people need that memo. Let me say it again just to make sure you heard me: VULNERABILITY IS. NOT. WEAK!

Pain always teaches you things. Sometimes it takes years to figure out the lesson and sometimes the lesson is simple: “you didn’t think you’d ever survive this, but here you are, YOU AMAZING SURVIVOR!” <— That’s how you ultimately develop strength and I will prove it. *coming soon* It would be cooler if you could develop strength by taking trips to Jamacia, but I never get to lead and quite honestly, it hurts my feelings. I wanna’ be in charge of stuff too! Whatever, God Mon!

It’s okay to not be okay. Let yourself feel it all. Own it. Give those feelings a voice somehow; any way you can. You have to get them out because remember – the longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes. Lean on your tribe, scream into the void, write yourself letters, TALK – whatever you need to do. Just don’t hold onto your pain any longer than you need to, and if you can help it, wait until you’re actually thirsty before you grab the water. Maybe you need to hold your glass every day for a while, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t hold it so long that it gets heavy enough to paralyze you. There will come a day when your pain has a purpose too, sometimes it’s just hard to see in the dark. Last and most importantly: remember, you don’t have to hold it all the time. If it’s heavy, set it down. Keep the faith all you fellow strugglers because deep down you know that 🎶every little thing, is gonna be alright!🎶 You are loved, and you matter! If you’re someone who’s not struggling, find a way to light up someone else’s darkness. It’ll make you both feel good. XOXO

~ T.